Anxiety, Sadness, and the Weight of Spiritual Emptiness

 I struggle with major depression and anxiety every single day. Just getting out of bed and taking a shower has the potential to drain me of a lot of my energy. I know I'm not the only person in our community that struggles with mental illness, but sometimes it feels like we're all alone. Sometimes it feels like there's no point in living life, too. 

When I'm dealing with those moments, I usually feel spiritually empty at the same time. It's like someone has come along and drained away all my positive emotions and, in the process, they also took a little bit of my spirit. That's why I've been gone for so long. I'm still struggling, but I hope to be more active in the next few months as I start a couple of new medications and restart therapy. 

Life is always going to be a struggle for me, but I have hope again and I'm going to hang onto it for as long as possible. In moments like these, I feel great comfort from my faith and from the blessings the Gods and Goddesses have provided to me over the years. My point in making this post is this: it's okay to feel spiritually empty. It's a part of life and you'll eventually find your way to the other side. 

Life is struggle sometimes. Our lives are made better when we fight for it, so when you're feeling low and like you can't go on, take that time to recharge your energy. Refocus and reevaluate the things that are working and the things that aren't. And when you're ready, fight with everything you've got to give.

Rejection from Morrigan?

As Samhain approaches, I've been feeling the inkling that I need to honor Morrigan. It's something I've been thinking about for the past few months and something that I plan to do slowly and simply since I do not already have a relationship with her. I know it isn't to be taken lightly.

I am unsure if she is calling out to me.

I decided to pull 2 cards from my Shapeshifter Tarot Deck and asked the following questions:

• What is my current relationship with Morrigan?
• What can I do to improve my relationship?

The answer to the first question took me by surprise. The card I pulled was "Rejection."
The answer to the second question was "The Shapeshifter," a card that signals a time of self-introspection.

At first glance, I got the impression that she was immediately rejecting forming a relationship with me for whatever reason. I can't begin to understand Her needs and Her goals. I admit that I was a little bit discouraged and I wondered for a split second what could be wrong with me. That was the moment something clicked.

Perhaps all of this is a test to determine if I will stick with it. Perhaps this is her way of telling me that I need to decide what I want before a final decision is made. I choose, possibly incorrectly, to believe that she is giving me a moment to think things over and make a rational decision and go from there.

I still intend to honor her during my Samhain celebration with a poem that I will write (I should get on that). I reckon that showing someone respect isn't a bad thing even if there's a possibility that they don't want anything to do with you. At most, she'd ignore me and at worst, she'd scold me for annoying her.

For the followers of Morrigan, has something like this happened to you? I'd love to get your perspective.

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On a side note, as I finished writing this post, I was overcome with the scent of apples. What could that mean?

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Dressing A Candle

To be honest, I was never one for dressing candles. It seemed an unnecessary step and I never really gave it a try for fear of doing something wrong. In the past, the most I would do would be to sprinkle some herbs at the top of the candle once some of the wax had melted.


I have recently changed my ways.


It seems like common sense to state that you get out of something what you put into it. The statement is true and I can feel the difference in a candle's energy after adding essential oils and herbs.


I took a white pillar candle and poured some Palo Santo essential oil onto my hands. I smeared that stuff all over the sides of the candle as well as the top. Then, I sprinkled a mixture of Irish Moss and White Sage that I broke down a bit in my mortar and pestle. I placed it in the correct position on my altar and lit it up so that it could start illuminating my space and cleansing my altar.


The purpose of this story of mine is to tell you not to be afraid to try new things. You might just discover that the new way is better than whatever it is that you've been doing. Putting in a little extra effort makes for a better finished product, especially where spirituality is concerned.


Dressing a candle is a witchcraft practice and I see no conflict in using it in my practice of Irish Polytheism. It's easy enough to imagine that the Irish of yesteryear did something similar (I have no proof of this, it's just what I think to be true), but this practice works for me today. Since I'm not a CR, I see no problem in embracing this modern technique that is found in so many belief systems.


Some might balk and say I'm practicing incorrectly. Those folks should feel free to leave me a comment below and tell me the "right" way to do this. Perhaps I'll learn something new again.

I am...

I am still alive.

I am still an Irish polytheist.

I am still a follower of Danu and Lugh.

I am not perfect.

I am not yet at my full potential.

I am still learning.


What's this all about? Well, it's been so long since I've posted on this blog that I thought I needed to break the ice with a few simple statements about myself. My spirituality hasn't been a priority the last few months and I've missed that aspect of myself, so I've decided that I'm going to work harder on doing something every day.

There's no use worrying about past mistakes when there are new ones I could be making. Right?

My Birthday Tarot Spread

I stumbled across "A happy birthday tarot spread" on Little Red Tarot after a Google search.

I ended up using my newest tarot deck, The Lumina Tarot, by Inner Hue. What a fantastic deck full of powerful energy and imagery. This deck is quickly becoming one of my favorites and I've only owned it for about a week. Talk about forming a connection with a deck, huh?

I found this spread to be really perfect for my needs. I haven't done much to celebrate my birthday in past years because of my battles with depression and anxiety. I wanted to do something different this year and I decided this spread would be a great way to get started. There are 7 drawn cards and I'll briefly tell you what the spots mean and the cards I pulled.

In fact, I'll just put all my notes from the reading below so that you can skim them or pour over them at your discretion. The guidebook lists a lot for each card and so I just picked out what felt relevant to this specific spread.

1- What to leave behind in the past year. You won’t be needing this anymore.

King of Cups

Represents balance between head and heart. emotional and creative inspiration w/ logic and strategy. DEPENDING TOO MUCH ON EXTERNAL VALIDATION. 

2- A lesson you learned last year to carry w/ you into the next. Hold onto it as you grow.

Maiden of Cups

Represents the creative, free, full of life, intuitive inner child. Exploring your creative and intuitive processes.

(read these 2 cards together. What is their joint message?)

Intuition and emotional creativity. I’m being told to not depend on too much external validation and instead be more carefree and get in touch with my inner child, where the focus is on play and doing rather than the motivation behind it.

3- The next thing you will learn. An important lesson.

The Chariot

It is a time of summoning all your energy and intent towards not only your physical journey but your spiritual one. Challenges and obstacles will be a source of opportunity and growth. It is time to focus on what you want out of life.

4- The theme of the year ahead? What is the next year all about?

Six of Wands

RIDING OUT THE STORM TO SUCCESS. Let yourself and all you’ve worked for shine. Appreciate your own worth and value and allow others to do so also. 

(read these 2 cards together. What is their joint message?)

These two cards are telling me that I have the power to create and shape my life in the shape that I want it to be. They are empowering me to move forward with my vision and embrace my whole potential in the process.

5- Today = Something to celebrate (ART)

Maiden of Pentacles

6- Today = Something to do (bleed/sword fight/embrace death/respect death BE REBORN FOR THE NEXT YEAR/START FRESH)

10 of Swords

7- A birthday message from your ancestors. Listen carefully to their message.

The Hierophant 

You are ready to expand your personal knowledge and undertake what you are coming to believe is a more true and authentic path for your soul. A beautiful time to explore things through workshops.

Spirituality Level: Zero

How do I want to put this? Well, it's best to just confess my sins and get it over with. Rip off the band-aid, so to speak. Since my last post, my spirituality level has been next to nothing.

My altar was nice in the corner of my bedroom, the zafu I purchased to sit on not too far away. It's been collecting dust. My journal is still sitting on the bookshelf next to the half-read biography on Doreen Valiente. To its right is a book on Irish Mythology. In essence, I've been disconnected from all things spiritual for 3 months. This is not okay.

We all know that lulls like this happen, but that doesn't mean they are acceptable. Not honoring the altar and the items placed upon it may not be a direct smack to the Gods, but it's still pretty bad. I wish I could say it was just laziness, but I think it had more roots in ambivalence and questioning how I was going to fit everything into the day.

In an ideal situation, I'd have meditation time in the mornings and evenings. That's in addition to working full time, cooking for myself, going to art therapy appointments because those things are freaking useful, and visiting with friends and family. My life doesn't look like that now and I think I'm in a battle between wanting things to be that way even if they aren't necessary, and wanting to ball up in the fetal position and hide under a rock.

How sweet life is, eh?

I know that I could mull all of this over for three more months, journal about it intermittently, and tell myself I'm doing everything I can while pretending that I'm doing just that. Or, I could make a plan and stick to it. Part of the reason I'm sharing it is due to accountability.

These are my 3 spiritual rules for the time being:

1) Make weekly offerings to Lugh and Danu. Use this time to commune with them.
2) An oracle reading at least once a week, though daily is preferred.
3) Respecting myself enough to recognize that I'm a work in progress.

They sound so simple, right? I think that I can do these 3 things, and I'm sure I'll be back to post on my progress.

Messages Abound

Hello folks. I've been focused on other areas for while after a bit of spiritual burnout and, yes, another round of depression. I'm hoping that the return of my favorite season is enough to lift me completely out of that. So far, so good.

I'm back because I wanted to share with you an interesting oracle card and tarot reading. I've been drawing an oracle card every morning for the past week to kind of reset my spirituality. I drew the tarot on a whim and I'm so impressed with how the messages seem to intertwine (don't they always?).

First, let's start with the oracle card. I drew it first and it really set the tone for the reading. I opted to draw from the Sacred Rebels oracle deck. It's by Alana Fairchild and the imagery is what drew me to this deck. The card I drew is:

"Defend to the End, The Worthwhile"

This card has such a powerful message. "You are a sacred warrior -- a defender of the heart. You have cried genuine tears of your own grief, and also the grief of the world. You have raged at injustice and oppression in your own life, and in the world. You have felt the need to protect the presence of love, for whilst it is exceptionally powerful, it can too easily be smothered under lies and fear... You are being asked to stay strong and stand your ground."

First of all, look at that image. The monochromatic tone really adds dimension, and that owl, a nocturnal being of wisdom, seems to be enveloping the feminine warrior so that they are of the same mind. That's pretty powerful imagery.

Let's move on to the tarot spread. I pulled a simple past, present, future layout using Ian Daniel's Tarot of the Vampyres. The first card that I drew is the "Strength" card.

The meaning of this card, I feel, directly ties into the meaning of the oracle card that I drew. The guidebook, Fantasmagoria, states: "This card teaches us that we have the inner strength and power to endure and triumph. This strength is solar in nature, as the card is ruled by the Sun. It is a steady, invigorating power that is all-encompassing and exuberant in its nature." I also liked what I read in the second paragraph which made sense for me on a personal level.

"The message is that we must dedicate ourselves to our tasks with passion, creativity, and joyful energy. This may be in order to give positive energy to a situation, to help us realize our potential, or to succeed in an endeavor... It may be that we need to withdraw for the moment and re-energize our spirit."

That sounds exactly what I've been doing. Not to mention that a lot of the oracle cards that I've drawn this past week have been related to themes of taking it easy, stopping and relaxing, hibernating, and enjoying the present while you recharge.

The second card, the card that stands for what is currently happening, is "Death."

As I'm sure many of you know, this card does not represent a physical death. It is a card of transformation; it is an omen of change. "In order to grow and expand in any aspect of life, the old must die to give birth to the new. We continuously depart from particular episodes in our lives, whether from childhood, youth, relationships, images of self-identity, or old beliefs and attitudes--within these endings are new beginnings. Each moment we die in the present so the future can unfold. Nothing can be lost as it becomes part of us and is a process of evolution."

Talk about a loaded card. This card is one that should never be feared. It brings in welcome change and, truth be told, a lot of the aspects of my current life are in need of renovation. My health is poor. I'm scared to leave the house and rarely do. I've gained weight and don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. This card, in my mind, is a catalyst that change is coming and that I am ready for it.

The third card was the "Three of Grails." This is the card that indicates the future outcome.

"In general terms the "Three of Grails" is teaching us to open fully to the bliss of life until our hearts are overflowing into the hearts of others. In our professional lives the card symbolizes teamwork, collaboration, and creative interaction or participation. On a personal level it is our inner streams propelling us to external success."

Some of the keywords for his card are: "abundance, fulfillment, gratification, celebration, good fortune, plenty, generosity, openness, spiritual gatherings, social integration, support groups, and inner growth."

In essence, the "Three of Grails" is exactly what I need in my future. This reading has been exactly what I needed in this moment. Whether it is because someone helped me pick the right cards for the situation, or because the cards are worded in a way that makes them apply to almost any situation, the outcome is the same. I have taken the messages of these cards and am beginning to integrate them into my life and spirituality.

Isn't that what change is all about?


BONUS

I recently purchased these great prints of Danu and Lugh from DrawnFromMyth over on Etsy. I wanted to show them off to all of you and also give you a quick peek of my altar for this darkening season.

Be blessed, friends.