"In Shadows We Can Grow; We Are The Seeds We Sow"

The title of this post comes from "Last Goodbye," a song written by Alex Band, formerly of The Calling.

I was trying to figure out what I wanted to say in this post and started remembering the lyrics to this song. I'm sure by the end of this post you'll understand why those words are so to the point of my message. The keywords for this topic: depression, anxiety, suicide.

Some people will immediately think of Robin Williams when they read those three words. Alas, this post is all about me. And why shouldn't it be after a four month absence?

I suffer from:

• Major Depressive Disorder - Severe
• Social Anxiety Disorder
• Suicidal Thoughts

Before anyone asks, no, I am not currently a danger to myself or others. I am receiving treatment from a medical professional and while it seems most days as though the effort is futile, it is better than me giving in to the depression and doing nothing. Most days are a challenge for me. Some days I go hours without negative thoughts or the desire to harm myself and other days it is like a continual replay in my head. A lot of days I am unable to get out of bed. I am currently unemployed because of these conditions from which I suffer.

This post isn't to gain sympathy or ask for assistance. I have a support system in place and things are taken care of for the time being. Should that change, most of you will probably never know about it because that is the type of person I am. In fact, this entire post is a little like exposing my soul for the world to see. 

I have revealed bits about my depression before. None of you know of my previous suicide attempt; not because I was ashamed to admit it, but simply because it isn't talked about. I have been hospitalized three times. That doesn't mean I'm a crazy lunatic - it means I'm a human being who has had the courage to seek out help in those times where all I see is darkness and all I feel is despair. 

Removing the stigma from mental illness will go a long way in ensuring that those that need help are able to get it. However, this post isn't about politics or programs to help persons suffering with mental illness. It is simply an explanation for my long absences which will likely continue from time to time. I may begin talking about this experience of mine in further detail, especially in relation to my religious practice (or lack thereof). 

Just know that I am working on me and during the process I will be unable to be as active in the "community" as I would like to be. 

-Miach Rhys