Anxiety, Sadness, and the Weight of Spiritual Emptiness

 I struggle with major depression and anxiety every single day. Just getting out of bed and taking a shower has the potential to drain me of a lot of my energy. I know I'm not the only person in our community that struggles with mental illness, but sometimes it feels like we're all alone. Sometimes it feels like there's no point in living life, too. 

When I'm dealing with those moments, I usually feel spiritually empty at the same time. It's like someone has come along and drained away all my positive emotions and, in the process, they also took a little bit of my spirit. That's why I've been gone for so long. I'm still struggling, but I hope to be more active in the next few months as I start a couple of new medications and restart therapy. 

Life is always going to be a struggle for me, but I have hope again and I'm going to hang onto it for as long as possible. In moments like these, I feel great comfort from my faith and from the blessings the Gods and Goddesses have provided to me over the years. My point in making this post is this: it's okay to feel spiritually empty. It's a part of life and you'll eventually find your way to the other side. 

Life is struggle sometimes. Our lives are made better when we fight for it, so when you're feeling low and like you can't go on, take that time to recharge your energy. Refocus and reevaluate the things that are working and the things that aren't. And when you're ready, fight with everything you've got to give.

Messages Abound

Hello folks. I've been focused on other areas for while after a bit of spiritual burnout and, yes, another round of depression. I'm hoping that the return of my favorite season is enough to lift me completely out of that. So far, so good.

I'm back because I wanted to share with you an interesting oracle card and tarot reading. I've been drawing an oracle card every morning for the past week to kind of reset my spirituality. I drew the tarot on a whim and I'm so impressed with how the messages seem to intertwine (don't they always?).

First, let's start with the oracle card. I drew it first and it really set the tone for the reading. I opted to draw from the Sacred Rebels oracle deck. It's by Alana Fairchild and the imagery is what drew me to this deck. The card I drew is:

"Defend to the End, The Worthwhile"

This card has such a powerful message. "You are a sacred warrior -- a defender of the heart. You have cried genuine tears of your own grief, and also the grief of the world. You have raged at injustice and oppression in your own life, and in the world. You have felt the need to protect the presence of love, for whilst it is exceptionally powerful, it can too easily be smothered under lies and fear... You are being asked to stay strong and stand your ground."

First of all, look at that image. The monochromatic tone really adds dimension, and that owl, a nocturnal being of wisdom, seems to be enveloping the feminine warrior so that they are of the same mind. That's pretty powerful imagery.

Let's move on to the tarot spread. I pulled a simple past, present, future layout using Ian Daniel's Tarot of the Vampyres. The first card that I drew is the "Strength" card.

The meaning of this card, I feel, directly ties into the meaning of the oracle card that I drew. The guidebook, Fantasmagoria, states: "This card teaches us that we have the inner strength and power to endure and triumph. This strength is solar in nature, as the card is ruled by the Sun. It is a steady, invigorating power that is all-encompassing and exuberant in its nature." I also liked what I read in the second paragraph which made sense for me on a personal level.

"The message is that we must dedicate ourselves to our tasks with passion, creativity, and joyful energy. This may be in order to give positive energy to a situation, to help us realize our potential, or to succeed in an endeavor... It may be that we need to withdraw for the moment and re-energize our spirit."

That sounds exactly what I've been doing. Not to mention that a lot of the oracle cards that I've drawn this past week have been related to themes of taking it easy, stopping and relaxing, hibernating, and enjoying the present while you recharge.

The second card, the card that stands for what is currently happening, is "Death."

As I'm sure many of you know, this card does not represent a physical death. It is a card of transformation; it is an omen of change. "In order to grow and expand in any aspect of life, the old must die to give birth to the new. We continuously depart from particular episodes in our lives, whether from childhood, youth, relationships, images of self-identity, or old beliefs and attitudes--within these endings are new beginnings. Each moment we die in the present so the future can unfold. Nothing can be lost as it becomes part of us and is a process of evolution."

Talk about a loaded card. This card is one that should never be feared. It brings in welcome change and, truth be told, a lot of the aspects of my current life are in need of renovation. My health is poor. I'm scared to leave the house and rarely do. I've gained weight and don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. This card, in my mind, is a catalyst that change is coming and that I am ready for it.

The third card was the "Three of Grails." This is the card that indicates the future outcome.

"In general terms the "Three of Grails" is teaching us to open fully to the bliss of life until our hearts are overflowing into the hearts of others. In our professional lives the card symbolizes teamwork, collaboration, and creative interaction or participation. On a personal level it is our inner streams propelling us to external success."

Some of the keywords for his card are: "abundance, fulfillment, gratification, celebration, good fortune, plenty, generosity, openness, spiritual gatherings, social integration, support groups, and inner growth."

In essence, the "Three of Grails" is exactly what I need in my future. This reading has been exactly what I needed in this moment. Whether it is because someone helped me pick the right cards for the situation, or because the cards are worded in a way that makes them apply to almost any situation, the outcome is the same. I have taken the messages of these cards and am beginning to integrate them into my life and spirituality.

Isn't that what change is all about?


BONUS

I recently purchased these great prints of Danu and Lugh from DrawnFromMyth over on Etsy. I wanted to show them off to all of you and also give you a quick peek of my altar for this darkening season.

Be blessed, friends.

What I've Been Up To

Hello everyone.

It's 7 AM and I haven't gone to sleep yet, so you can imagine how my face looks when I tell you that my eyes will only open about half way. I'm sure a few of you are staring at your computer screens and wondering aloud for what reason am I doing this to myself. The simple answer is that I want to do it now and I like giving myself permission to do what I want over what I need at times. It's a bit like letting my inner child eat candy all day and run around the house screaming at the top of my lungs until I wear out and either fall asleep or fall into a sugar coma.

My depression has been pretty bad lately and I've been trying to focus on my spirituality as my "thing" to focus on instead of my feelings. It's a distraction if you will, but I am sure you know that spirituality is something that should be far more than that. It is for me, too, but when you just want to stay in bed for a month and not shower, you need something to get you motivated to do anything. For me, this was it.

To begin, I signed up for Lora O'Brien's Irish Heritage and Spirituality Correspondence Course. I'm only on module 3 and it's been really interesting and thought provoking just far. This current module is even pushing me on getting out of the house a little bit as I start exploring the sacred sites in my area. Being in a small town makes this a bit difficult, of course, but I'll do what I can with what I have. If you want to learn more about the course, click here.

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Another thing I've been doing is working on my altar. It's far from complete and looks more like a shrine than an altar, but it's what I've been using for daily devotionals and it is fitting my needs. You'll probably recognize a couple of pieces (see the pretty bowls and altar pentacle tile?) from a previous post. Don't you just think they blend in beautifully? I do.



I found the cardinal votive holder at an online witchy retailer and knew that it needed to be on my altar at first sight. I frequently heard that seeing a cardinal was a good luck when I was a child, and I've long associated them with good luck. I won't go so far as to say that they're a spirit animal, but I do consider them one of my favorite birds.

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A few recent book purchases have come in and I've started to read them in the order that they've arrived. I'm currently working on Irish Paganism by Morgan Daimler. It's actually a book on Celtic Reconstructionism and I'm finding it interesting even though I'm not sure I'm quite ready to go down the CR path. I also purchased Irish Witchcraft from an Irish Witch by Lora O'Brien. It's been a while since I read it and I can't wait to dive back into it. If you haven't read her stuff, I seriously suggest that you check it out -- especially if you're looking to walk an Irish/Celtic path.

I was so excited when I found out that she's working on a new book about Irish Magic. It isn't due out until 2017. I don't want to have to wait that long but I know she's crafting a spectacular product and that it will be worth the time I'm waiting.

I also ordered Doreen Valiente -- Witch. It's a biography of one of the most important figures in the birth of Wicca. I enjoy a lot of her poetry and think it will be a fascinating read.

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Last, but certainly not least, is my new Crystal Oracle deck. I already own the Crystal Guidance Oracle Deck and it has certainly served me well. I didn't really need the new deck but I've been wanting it for quite a few years and finally bit the bullet and forked over the cash. The only thing I dislike about the deck is that it doesn't come with an ametrine card, but that's only because ametrine is my favorite crystal to work with.

I placed both decks of cards out on my altar and put some of the corresponding crystals on the cards to help the crystal energy start to merge with the card. Truth be told, I have no idea if it actually does anything or helps to give the cards more accuracy, but it sure looks neat. It also gives my collection a chance to get out of their organizers and enjoy some fresh air.

I snapped a photo so that I could share.

What have you been up to lately? I'd love it if you'd leave a comment and let me know. Slán.

This Little Shrine of Mine

Before some of you roll your eyes at what I have created, know that the purpose was for simplicity. I didn't include many of the things people would expect to see on an altar or a shrine - in fact, this shrine is set up for both my matron and patron.

I have felt a severe spiritual disconnect over the last few years, but especially over the last ten months. This is tied directly to my depression. I know Danu and Lugh are with me even in those times that I can't bring myself to get out of bed and, I don't know, bathe like a normal human being. Sometimes I talk to them but the real truth is that I am often a silent participant.

Wicca is about having a connection to deity, at least in my mind, but it is difficult to do in light of my current situation. This shrine is a way for me to connect to deity - it is a reminder that I am not alone even on those times that I feel I am. It is meant to inspire and comfort. I can see it from my bed and stare at it if nothing else. The photos below are of its first use.

Lugh

Lugh. There is the misconception that he is a Sun God when he is actually a God of Light. He is holding a natural citrine point and a piece of tumbled sunstone. In front of the statue are an ametrine point on the left and a selenite point on the right.

The candle is a white candle without any adornment because I was a little lacking on energy after getting it all put together.

Danu

Danu - The Celtic Mother. Her offering plate holds an aqua aura point as well as a piece of tumbled moonstone. In front of the statue is another ametrine point on the right. On the left is a clear quartz obelisk.

A candle was placed on her side of the shrine as well.

In the center is a vanilla incense cone. An awen pendant is sitting behind it but the flash required for you to be able to see the image has caused it to wash out slightly.

Yes, it is simple. That doesn't make it any less useful.

"In Shadows We Can Grow; We Are The Seeds We Sow"

The title of this post comes from "Last Goodbye," a song written by Alex Band, formerly of The Calling.

I was trying to figure out what I wanted to say in this post and started remembering the lyrics to this song. I'm sure by the end of this post you'll understand why those words are so to the point of my message. The keywords for this topic: depression, anxiety, suicide.

Some people will immediately think of Robin Williams when they read those three words. Alas, this post is all about me. And why shouldn't it be after a four month absence?

I suffer from:

• Major Depressive Disorder - Severe
• Social Anxiety Disorder
• Suicidal Thoughts

Before anyone asks, no, I am not currently a danger to myself or others. I am receiving treatment from a medical professional and while it seems most days as though the effort is futile, it is better than me giving in to the depression and doing nothing. Most days are a challenge for me. Some days I go hours without negative thoughts or the desire to harm myself and other days it is like a continual replay in my head. A lot of days I am unable to get out of bed. I am currently unemployed because of these conditions from which I suffer.

This post isn't to gain sympathy or ask for assistance. I have a support system in place and things are taken care of for the time being. Should that change, most of you will probably never know about it because that is the type of person I am. In fact, this entire post is a little like exposing my soul for the world to see. 

I have revealed bits about my depression before. None of you know of my previous suicide attempt; not because I was ashamed to admit it, but simply because it isn't talked about. I have been hospitalized three times. That doesn't mean I'm a crazy lunatic - it means I'm a human being who has had the courage to seek out help in those times where all I see is darkness and all I feel is despair. 

Removing the stigma from mental illness will go a long way in ensuring that those that need help are able to get it. However, this post isn't about politics or programs to help persons suffering with mental illness. It is simply an explanation for my long absences which will likely continue from time to time. I may begin talking about this experience of mine in further detail, especially in relation to my religious practice (or lack thereof). 

Just know that I am working on me and during the process I will be unable to be as active in the "community" as I would like to be. 

-Miach Rhys

 

Pagan Blog Project - D is for Depression

I suffer from major depressive disorder. At times it has been so bad that I have needed inpatient treatment. There is no shame in asking for help and making sure that you're in an environment where it isn't possible for you to harm yourself. I have survived a suicide attempt and know the benefit of psychiatric hospitals and caring staff. This post is going to be honest because otherwise there wouldn't be much of a point.

I have had days where it is near impossible to get out of bed. Sometimes I still encounter days like that. Through medication, therapy, and a positive outlook, I attempt to regain day to day control of my life. I try to embrace the diagnosis and take control so that I do not always suffer at the hands of depression. It is usually easier said than done.

The first thing I want to get across is that I am not less than because I suffer from a mental illness. I am not someone to be ignored, nor am I someone to be pitied. It can be difficult to live with depression, but even more so when attempting to live a spiritual life. To say that there are times I don't feel like meditating, reading up on Celtic Mythology, and celebrating an esbat, is an understatement if epic proportions.

It is okay. I know that deity understands the challenges I face and that I am not any less of a Pagan because of it. Some people deal with alcoholism, adultery, heart conditions, poor time management, and a variety of other issues in their lives. We are all Pagan if were hold the God and Goddess (sometimes both, other times one and not the other) in our hearts.

There is also a benefit to being Pagan and dealing with depression. We learn at an early stage in our metaphysical development that we can effect change through magic. While healing depression with magic is about as impossible as turning back time with the snap of two fingers, there are some beneficial things we can do. I would like to list some of these options now.


- Black Tourmaline has been exceptionally useful in my personal practice. I carry a tumbled stone with me wherever I go. I also like to hold my large piece of black tourmaline and imagine my depression symptoms being pulled into it.

- I like creating incense. I especially like the Happiness Incense recipe that I created. It seems to work for me, probably because I spend a lot of time giving it that association in my mind. Now, whenever I burn some happiness incense there is a connection between the incense and an uplifted attitude. It may be too simple to say it works because I say it works, but let's be honest here - a lot of magic works because we say it works. Just mix one part marjoram, one part lavender, and one part catnip. Burn on a charcoal disc and let the smoke carry your troubles away, my friend.

- Speaking to the God and Goddess is also useful. If I am experiencing a difficult time I will simply talk to them as though I am having a conversation with them. I do this when I am alone, of course, or people will really think I'm losing my mind.

Depression affects 1 in 10 Americans. If you are experiencing a period of depression that has lasted for at least two weeks, please seek assistance from a licensed medical professional. For some people therapy alone can effectively treat it. Others will require medication, or a combination of medication, therapy, and other treatments.